welcome to...

My Wasted Life - January 23rd, 2008 part 2:

2008 rolls on...

This is the bit at the beginning of the show where they recap what happened last week in case you missed it or had forgotten.

Cue tacky 1970's voiceover...

Previously on my wasted life...

So... (there's that damn word again!) where did we get to?
Coming off a busy but kinda unproductive year...
Chillaxing after a long and ball-busting shoot...
Sitting in a house with no heating!!!
A script needs to be completed.
Looking for work...

But was I worried? Not really. you see, I'd been in almost exactly the same position a year previously (although a mighty bit toastier as the heating still worked then) with a blank page in the diary for 2007 and as you know... it had turned out not entirely bad... so you know... something always comes up... trust me. :)

Plus, there were a couple of things in the ether that were reducing the 'holy fuck, what's gonna happen' factor.

2008 is gonna be great!!!

You see... I'd done some prep work on a movie back before I left the country. I hadn't been paid for it, I hadn't had a single phone call returned while I was away to explain what was going on... but you know... ever optimistic... a new year dawns.. there's money coming my way. Right?
Plus, I'd received a phone message from some people I'd worked with a year ago saying they had a movie shooting at the end of january - would I like to come in and meet the director? Sweet.

All of which meant... life might not be too shabby in twenty-oh-eight. I'll pick up the money I'm owed, that'll get me thru January's bills... then there's a movie to bring in more dosh right at the end of the month... and then...
Whoop-de-doo... I get a phone call from a Stunt Co-Ordinator buddy recommending me for another movie job... might start around the same time as this other one.. but wht the hey... it's another opportunity.
And then... (can you feel the excitement and tension building?) I get called by these peeps about a 'big' movie (we'll have to swing off on a tangent to really deal with the background to all of this... so bear with me). All of which meant that you know... doom, gloom, despair (whatever happened to that project?) can begone... everything in the garden is looking pretty rosey.
Question is... without naming names, how do we keep track of all these elements so we can talk about them - without talking about them... if you know what I mean.
It's kinda like the Bruce Lee philosophy in "Enter the Dragon"... 'it's the art of fighting without fighting.'

Okay... let's call 'em Project A, Project B and Big Project.

Project A is the job I got the call about while I was away.
Project B is the project I was put up for by me buddy.
Big Project (while it's not big in Hollywood terms... we need to call it something and it's bigger than the other two)
And let's not forget... 'Outstanding Project' (that's the one that owes me money)... oh... while I'm at it... let's also add 'Script A' and Script B'.

Script A and Script B??? What's all that about? Well Script A is the script I mentioned in part 1... been several years in the making... and Script B is another script that has been in the offing for about 5 or 6 years but picked up momentum last year that lead to... erm... well, you get the picture.

Let's talk 'Big Project'. I'd been on this movie for a while... kinda. It'd had been meant to shoot in 2006. Myself and others did a lot of work on it... the project fell thru... we didn't get paid... it tried to ressurrect itself a couple of times in 2007 but never went anywhere... so it's been on the back burner and also in the back of the mind as a 'blimey... sure would have been nice to have that money I 'earned' working on that movie'. But it's 2008 a new year... a new start. But I'm sure people understand my scepticism when word of the ressurrection of Big Project arrived on the scene... you see - this is how devious and incetuous the movie business gets... the people involved in Big Project were also the people that got me involved in Outstanding Project... so... nothing conspiratorial... not saying nothing 'bout no one (you begin to understand why talking about this shit openly wouldn't really do me any favors) but two projects... end result... an absence of pay.

But all in all... there was promise out there...

I went to meet the Director of Project A. Seemed to say all the right things. He seemed to like me. 'we got some more people to see, we'll give you a call next week'.
Nothing unusual, business as normal... that's how it goes but it's looking good.

Then something happened in Los Angeles that doesn't happen very often... but it does happen. It rained. It rained very hard. It rained fucking hard actually.
I know... 'Big Los Angeles jessies, complaining about a little rain'. Yeah, yeah... I totally feel ya.

But there was water leaking down thru the closet in housemates bedroom.

Unless you own something like a house, it's difficult to quite put into words how much of a burden it can be at times. Yes, it's totally cool being the boss... having your own place... owning a piece of mother earth - at least until eminent domain fucks you in the ass - but when things go wrong with it, especially potentially catastrophic things that you can't afford to fix... it sucks the big one!

Remember, we're also looking at a freezing cold house with the spectre of replacing the entire heating and air-conditioning hanging overhead - literally. The same overhead that was now leaking water.

Life is funny sometimes... and sometimes it's not at all funny. I'd been thinking for sometime... I really should clean out those gutters you know... it's what a responsible homeowner does. Right?

The good thing was... oh wait... there's no good things when water is running through your ceiling. And then it got worse... I went into my bedroom to check my closet because I'd had a leak there when I first bought the house and the 'big' rains hit LA.
Shit. Fuck! There was water running down through an ever increasing crack in the ceiling of the closet. Motherfucker!

I grabbed shit and pulled clothes, boxes, etc out and threw it on the bed and floor. Gathered a waste paper bin and put it under the steadily increasing flow of water. Then third time's a charm right... there was water in the hallay. That's just where I'd been walking to clean shit up, right? Wrong. There was a third leak... holy mother of fuck...!

Now I might seem like a happy-go-lucky kinda chap (stop laughing at the back!!!) but this wasn't one of my shining moments of glee. I was in the foulest, blackest of the black moods. I felt like my life was literally crashing down around my ears.

Fortunately I have good friends. They kicked my arse and pulled me out of my stupor. Let's go to Home Depot, get a ladder, get some tarp... let's fix this shit!!!

Yes dudes and dude-esses... I don't even have a ladder to get onto the roof. So... jumped in the trusty mustang and off to Home Depot.. or actually Lowes cos it's easier to remember how to get to.

Bought a ladder... bought tarp... bought some wet weather jackets - yes, I know... I don't have wet weather gear either. I'd left all of mine overseas at the end of the movie cos it had gotten fucked up!

It's a good job I'd worked right before Xmas... but that was a big chunk of change disappearing over the counter...

Drove home thru the pouring rain with a shiney aluminium ladder poking out of the trunk... god, the 'stang still smells damp!

Got home... dressed myself up against the elements... put the ladder up against the side of the house and started to climb.

I got to the edge of the roof, reached over to drop my flashlight so I could make the tricky manouvre from ladder to roof and... 'splash'. Oh dear. That don't sound too good.
You see, the main roof of the house is flat... stupid flat roof sloping down towards the back of the house (where I was) surrounded by a small wall about 12 to 18 inches high.
In the darkness and sleeting rain, I clambered up onto the roof. 'Splash' I found myself standing in almost a foot deep of water. The roof had become a swimming pool.

You see, in the infinite wisdom of the peeps what made the house... there's only one drain on the roof.. down in the back corner where I was standing... a little hole maybe 2 inches square that was completely blocked by falled debris, leaves, twigs and berries from the overgrown tree from next door.
Holy Shit... there's so much water up here. If this lot stays... the whole roof is collapsing... my tiny house will basically be destroyed.
It's a times like this that you realise that retreating into your shell and getting grumpy isn't nearly as productive as listening to your friends tell you to get up off your ass and sort things out.
If I'd stayed down on the ground sulking, I'd have no house.

I stuck my hand into the freezing cold water and started grabbing handfuls of tree debris, digging out the shit that was not only filling the hole but also clogging up the downpipe it lead into.
Gallons of water cascaded off the roof like a waterfall.

I spent nearly three hours on a Friday night up on the roof. I cleaned out the drain. I broomed and bailed the water off the roof. I hacked at the overhanging tree to try to avoid a repeat. I laid tarp across the roof and weighed it down to stop it flying off in the wind.
And then I came inside to my lovely wet and freezing house... remember... I got no heating!!!

Oh the joys of homeownership.

I spent the following day up on the roof, checking for more damage, hacking down more of the tree and generally tightening things up...

So... soaking wet and thoroughly depressed, I surveyed the state of my world. Yes, it sucked ass to have to go thru all of that... but it was also a bit of a mild bit pof luck... cos if I hadn't had the small leaks or done something about them... I could be writing this to you from the homeless shelter.

to be continued...