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My Wasted Life - December 27th, 2005:

Toast… that's what's bugging me… oh… happy Christmas by the way… but toast… that's where it's at.
Christmas has to share part of the cause of this current manifestation of the problem. You see the problem of toast has been vexing me for a while.
Not many people are likely to be vexed by toast and true, it's not actually toast that vexes me, it's how to get it.
That's the problem.

See, I like toast. In fact it could be true to say that in terms of foodstuffs… it's actually one of my favorite things.
And therein lies the problem. How do you get it in America?

You get it everywhere I hear people yelling at their computer screens - or maybe that's just the sounds of wind in telegraph wires or tumbleweed rolling slowly across the highway - or whatever other image passes for no one listening/looking or caring.
There are literally hundreds of types of bread on offer at the supermarket. Hundreds… possibly thousands.
the great american toast dilemma...
It always struck me as odd that you only have a choice of like three types of soap to keep yourself clean - but head for the bread aisle and by-jiminy… there's bread, brown bread, potato bread, sweet bread, rye bread, seven grain bread, twelve grain bread… you could descend into madness trying to work out what the fuck you're supposed to be buying… there's bread everywhere… every-fucking-where… and the problem with that is? I hear you ask…
None of it fucking toasts properly.

I am most definitely not shitting you about this. I've tried it all… white bread, brown bread, rye bread, corn bread, twelve grain bread, potato bread, seven-ton-budgie bread… thick sliced, thin sliced… not-even-bleedin'-sliced-at-all and the only thing in common between all these myriad bread types?
They all come out of the toaster as harsh and crunchy and unappetizing as a piece of brown cardboard.
And before you start questioning my toasting technique… I've tried torching it, lightly browning it… heating it so you barely can even tell it's been in the toaster other than the fact that it's maybe one tenth of a degree warmer than the surrounding air - nothing makes a difference… it's all crunchy and cardboard stiff no matter what you do.

Now obviously this is a country that despite many years of social integration and political engineering still has no idea or comprehension about what actually constitutes a sausage or what 'proper' bacon is actually all about - so maybe it should surprise me not one iota that the greatest country on earth(?) still can't make a type of bread that it's possible to turn into toast.

I did nothing this Christmas… I lay on the couch watching movies I'd DVR'd or had been sent by movie companies hoping that I'd vote for them in the upcoming awards season… I hardly got off the couch at all over the two days - what with all of that and the plethora of sport on offer… I even slept on the couch as well… I couldn't be bothered to go out, couldn't be bothered to cook… couldn't be bothered to do anything… so when the grumbling in me tummy got so bad that it began drowning out the hits and tackles of the NFL, I was forced into the kitchen… and all I wanted was a few slices of toasted white bread with a decent spread of butter on them and a nice tasty topping of marmalade… not much to ask is it?

Well apparently it is… apparently it's too much to ask.

How do you segue from toast to death? Not very gracefully probably… but let's try it anyway…

So… toast… it sucks… death… that sucks too no doubt… and it might not be that long before I have to find out.
Why? You might well ask?

Well… you've probably all heard about this avian flu thing. It might be the next big pandemic to assault the earth… you know… like AIDS did… or may like BSE didn't… but either way it's a little blip on the worryscope… and then there's the slightly closer to home West Nile Virus… that's already here.. in the USA… in my state - in fact I think California has one of the highest reported number of cases funnily enough - or not at all funnily in many respects.

So… what's all of that got to do with me?

Well… earlier in the year I got a few mosquito bites and they itched like hell... nothing too remarkable about that I guess.. but I also got a tiny bit sniffly too. My hayfever hasn't bothered me for many years - that's one of the reasons I like living here… I can enjoy the summer - enjoy it all year round too (except when it's cold, wet and miserable like today). Go back to England… my eyes stream and hurt like a motherfucker and I sneeze and sniff like a recovering cocaine addict.
But home in sunny Los Angeles… nary a sniff… not one - except when I had these mosquito bites.

Of course… paranoia is probably transmitted a whole lot more easily than West Nile… but I then noticed a dead pigeon in the street. It had been run over by a car… but that's not something that happens too often unless the pigeon is already dead… so I kinda thought about the possibility of West Nile for a little while and then promptly forgot about it.

Then cut to a couple of weeks back… I was wandering back home from a little walk and there on the street was a dead pigeon.
Obviously not the same one as before and obviously not one that had been involved in any kind of vehicular altercation.
This one was just laying on its back with its eyes closed and legs in the air looking for all the world like a cartoon dead pigeon - except it wasn't a cartoon it was real and it had obviously died of - something.
And than less than a couple of days ago I was in me back yard looking around as often do… messing with the sprinkler heads - something I should never have gotten involved in - but I'm mired deep in trying to change them all around and making things a whole lot worse and wetter than I'd originally intended.
So, I was tinkering with a sprinkler head… trying to work out the correct position for a 360-25 degree nozzle… when I spied something out of the corner of my eye.
It was a dead bird… not a pigeon but something infinitely prettier… except that it was dead and it was upside down… again… no visible cause of death… but the tiny little feet were clamped in a death grip onto the branch and it just hung there upside down… and no, it wasn't a feathery bat... it was a dead bird…
I just done a sniff as I'm typing this… maybe I'd better not wait too long before posting it…

I know I've not been too good with the updates this past year. I'd like to say that my excuse is that I've been too busy to get round to it… and truth be told what with having worked on more films in the past six moths than in the past two years… I have been a little busier than usual… but that's not really an excuse… Einstein, Hitler… Jesus… they all had the same number of hours in a day as I do and they all seemed to get a lot more done - although the world might have been a much better place if at least one of them had spent his time sitting at home writing a blog and playing online chess…
Anyway… the point is… to try to force my hand a little and to also keep you good people in the loop… I'm going to try what I've been promising to do for a long time and update the 'site (again) and put - or at least try to put - an RSS feed onto at least the main bit of the website. I want to do a specific one for monkey town on its own but that has to go thru the people hosting the site who do all the message board updates and stuff and I'm still in negotiations with them to get round to either doing it for me or telling me that they'll still speak to me if I try to do it myself.
So… if you see one of those little blue or orange XML/RSS buttons around here or on the main page… why not do yourself a favor and sign-up for the feed - that way we can always keep in touch.

Oh shoot... I almost forgot... I did actually do something useful this week while I was relaxing Crimmas style on the couch... I designed some new t-shirts that you can go spend all your Christmas money on.

See, the good people at Cafepress where I have me online store have now gone and got off their asses and provided the ability to print black t-shirts... oh yes indeed... the super cool black t-shirts that have been the norm elsewhere for years are now available to the likes of me to use and abuse...

So click up there on 'online store' and go check 'em out - you'll be glad that you did.

Anyway… that's about all I got time for today. Like I said… I'll try to make it one of me new year resolutions to be a little more diligent with communications…
So… have a merry new year and make sure you have at least one large alcoholic beverage for me.